Early last week brought the inevitable series of lows I expected after quitting my job. My sister had been in town since Friday, and while I enjoyed her visit, I wasn’t getting anything accomplished. I’d hoped to get work done on Tuesday, and managed to complete some meager tasks, which mainly included catching up on emails. An old client of mine asked if I would be interested in writing articles and blogging for his site. Ummm, let me think, yes! And I finally made inroads towards putting together a real web site for myself. So not bad, generally, but as usual, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I knew it would take time to find my groove outside of the office, but that doesn’t lessen the stress I feel when I’m not meeting self-imposed deadlines.
My heart was in it, but my mind and body were physically and emotionally pooped. I needed a mental break from an action-packed weekend with the kiddos and their auntie, but I wasn’t going to get it. My mother-in-law asked if I would host a dinner party with her goddaughter and her family, who were visiting from Los Angeles. The M-I-L figured our house was better for accommodating two young boys, ages 11 months and 4-years old, and offered to make dinner. Now I’m sure there are daughters-in-law out there who would decline, but I couldn’t, even though I was tired and I didn’t feel like hosting. Plus, we were having our own friends over Thursday night, so a full scale cleaning was needed regardless.
I was bent out of shape because my Wednesday was D.O.A. No writing was going to get done, although I did manage one short blog post for Cute Potato. My day was spent mopping, dusting, vacuuming, etc. The whole time I was thinking, I’m never going to get anywhere! I suck! What kind of writer spends her whole day cleaning the house? So as you can tell, I was sliding down the slippery slope of negativity.
You’re probably wondering how I was able to get any cleaning done with two kiddos in the house. The answer is, they are still going to daycare. Instead of five full days, they’re at daycare for three. The thought process was to get writing projects done while they’re out of the house, but I do feel guilty. It’s a strange thing to drop the kids off, only to come back home again to write. I don’t know why I didn’t feel this way when I went to an actual office. Why does the work setting make a difference? Anyway, the guilt was riding me hard. Not only was I not writing, but I was dropping my kids off at daycare to boot. What kind of mother was I?
While scrubbing the toilets, I talked myself down. Relax, head case, it’s summer! There’s time. And this was a particularly busy week. I would have time Thursday to write, and Friday I could have a beach day with the kids. My goal was to make sure I balanced work, family (and house cleaning), as best I could.
As soon as I changed my thinking, my week started to get better. Wednesday night dinner was crazed with four little kids running everywhere, but it was a success. My sweet father-in-law thanked me at least three times for hosting. On Thursday, I finished an essay, which I hope to send out soon, and we had a great time hosting our friends and their daughter for dinner. A writer friend of mine came over with her boys on Friday morning. We were able to talk shop, drink numerous cups of coffee and watch our kiddos play together. Did I get as much done as I hoped? No. But weeks like these will happen, and I will continue to feel frazzled. At least I’ll be doing what I want to do: writing and spending more time with the kids. I’m not a bad mother, just a normal one trying to find the balance that works for me.
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